Monday, January 19, 2015

Happy Birthday Mum

It's 2015, but my mind feels like it is just stuck in space. Every time I tell myself I want to be better, it feels like I am not elevating anywhere...still on the same mindset, still being irresponsible and unorganized with my life. I think it has yet to sink in that I actually have to get myself together to state a point to my family that I can do good without them. But when I cant even state to myself what I want to do in life, how I can motivate myself, how can I do it to the people whose opinions matters the most to me?

It's my mother's birthday today. My mum. My queen. My guardian angel. My protector. The reason to why I feel like I have to do good. I reflect on myself and how I was last year and what good have I done to make her proud.

1.) Got the job at MAC

2.) Deattached myself from every memory that will cause me unhappiness

3.) Started university

4.) Began building my makeup kit (barely)

5.) Constructed a plan to fame (barely)

My accomplishment from last January to this January doesn't satisfy me. I am doing a course that honestly isn't tasting to me like I thought it would be. If I can be completely honest, every assignment I touch my hands on drains my energy. As if I am forcing myself to do this. Where is my passion? Where is that burning desire in me? I need to find it urgently. The things I am talented in feels like a challenge to me.

My freelance work isn't even popping like it could because of my lack of interest. Men are my biggest distraction in life and all I want to do is go on a date with a guy. It's embarrassing but it's true. Reading isn't interesting to me anymore, even languages and cultures isn't interesting to me anymore. I feel like my mindset has changed due to me only wanting to enjoy my life. Life for me is all about being beautiful when I leave my house. It's all about me finding a handsome, rich man that can finance my life and give me money to buy the most expensive clothes, shoes and take me out to the finest restaurants in town. Life for me is complaining why I don't have that body and why I can't twerk like the gays in the clubs. That's all I care about now.

What upsets me is that this is the person I have become, but it is NOT me. Due to the ones I have surrounded myself with, I have changed into someone I can't even recognize. This isn't the person my mother wants me to be. I have not made my mum proud and I know this. I complain that my family aren't flying with me, but they wouldn't want to because they can't stand this Dami. I need to change.

Where do I start? How do I get my life on track again? I don't know but It needs to happen. I feel very disappointed in myself because deep inside my heart, I want my mum to look down from heaven and be proud of me. At the young age of 10, my mum left me on Earth to go to heaven to be with God, but she left me on this universe to serve my purpose. I know what my goal is in life: FAME. I want to be famous for a good reason. I want to be known all around the world and touch people's heart. I want to stick to my style aesthetic (me wearing makeup because it's who I am, I am a boy who paints makeup all over his face dressing in a very different style) and still be a good person. Makeup is my dreams and I want to go all around the world making women feel and look beautiful. I want to discover this art and grow in it, I want to understand how to do something I can't even do. It all takes commitment and attentiveness

I don't have an exact plan on what it is primarily that I will embark my success on, but I will discover it at my own pace. Despite my dreams, I need to be successful in everything I do. So if it takes me sitting in my bedroom with a pen in my hand having to figure it out, I shall do so.

I am a confused, lost boy, living in a big world. Damilola, find yourself. And find it fast. For you don't have all the time in the world.

Happy birthday mummy and next January, you will smile even harder.