Happy Birthday Mum

It's 2015, but my mind feels like it is just stuck in space. Every time I tell myself I want to be better, it feels like I am not elevating anywhere...still on the same mindset, still being irresponsible and unorganized with my life. I think it has yet to sink in that I actually have to get myself together to state a point to my family that I can do good without them. But when I cant even state to myself what I want to do in life, how I can motivate myself, how can I do it to the people whose opinions matters the most to me?

It's my mother's birthday today. My mum. My queen. My guardian angel. My protector. The reason to why I feel like I have to do good. I reflect on myself and how I was last year and what good have I done to make her proud.

1.) Got the job at MAC

2.) Deattached myself from every memory that will cause me unhappiness

3.) Started university

4.) Began building my makeup kit (barely)

5.) Constructed a plan to fame (barely)

My accomplishment from last January to this January doesn't satisfy me. I am doing a course that honestly isn't tasting to me like I thought it would be. If I can be completely honest, every assignment I touch my hands on drains my energy. As if I am forcing myself to do this. Where is my passion? Where is that burning desire in me? I need to find it urgently. The things I am talented in feels like a challenge to me.

My freelance work isn't even popping like it could because of my lack of interest. Men are my biggest distraction in life and all I want to do is go on a date with a guy. It's embarrassing but it's true. Reading isn't interesting to me anymore, even languages and cultures isn't interesting to me anymore. I feel like my mindset has changed due to me only wanting to enjoy my life. Life for me is all about being beautiful when I leave my house. It's all about me finding a handsome, rich man that can finance my life and give me money to buy the most expensive clothes, shoes and take me out to the finest restaurants in town. Life for me is complaining why I don't have that body and why I can't twerk like the gays in the clubs. That's all I care about now.

What upsets me is that this is the person I have become, but it is NOT me. Due to the ones I have surrounded myself with, I have changed into someone I can't even recognize. This isn't the person my mother wants me to be. I have not made my mum proud and I know this. I complain that my family aren't flying with me, but they wouldn't want to because they can't stand this Dami. I need to change.

Where do I start? How do I get my life on track again? I don't know but It needs to happen. I feel very disappointed in myself because deep inside my heart, I want my mum to look down from heaven and be proud of me. At the young age of 10, my mum left me on Earth to go to heaven to be with God, but she left me on this universe to serve my purpose. I know what my goal is in life: FAME. I want to be famous for a good reason. I want to be known all around the world and touch people's heart. I want to stick to my style aesthetic (me wearing makeup because it's who I am, I am a boy who paints makeup all over his face dressing in a very different style) and still be a good person. Makeup is my dreams and I want to go all around the world making women feel and look beautiful. I want to discover this art and grow in it, I want to understand how to do something I can't even do. It all takes commitment and attentiveness

I don't have an exact plan on what it is primarily that I will embark my success on, but I will discover it at my own pace. Despite my dreams, I need to be successful in everything I do. So if it takes me sitting in my bedroom with a pen in my hand having to figure it out, I shall do so.

I am a confused, lost boy, living in a big world. Damilola, find yourself. And find it fast. For you don't have all the time in the world.

Happy birthday mummy and next January, you will smile even harder.

WOW WHERE HAVE I BEEN?

HEYYY EVERYONE!!!!

It's so weird for me to be making a blog post. *laughs* I am back guys! I can't even begin to describe the stressful, exciting, interesting events that have been occurring in my life for the past few months which explains a little bit of why I have not been blogging. Before I begin, I first and foremost want to apologise for my lack of blog posts and there isn't really an excuse except that I don't have a laptop (my previous laptop got stolen) and that I was indulged into the events of my life in terms of work and my dreams of becoming a makeup artist. There are good news that I would love for the whole wide world to know about. I WORK AT MAC COSMETICS ! YAY.

For many, it might be an "ok" thing. But for me, it is a dream come true and a big step into improving my makeup artistry and doing more freelance jobs and being surrounded with what I love. I still fail to believe that this is true. Sometimes, I feel like it isn't real. My first day was yesterday and I remember standing on the shop floor in an environment of talented artists and makeup everywhere just looking immaculate, and I just thanked God because I had realised that the opportunity that He flew my way. There is a God. Trust. It just shows that when you put in a lot of hard work, it pays off. These past two weeks I had interviews with the manager and makeup tests that put me in an antisocial mood where the only thing I wanted to do and learn was makeup. I wish I had this mentality ages ago, maybe I would have been a better artist than I am today. But I was focusing on all the irrelevant things in my life like boys and clubbing and just being reckless and out of control. Everyone works in different ways and it took me a lot of observing and me questioning my progress for me to open my eyes to the fact that in life, anything you want to be or do can come true but it's all within your hands. Friends and family will support you, but they won't move you. The potential energy is there, but you have to ignite it. Having this mindset has sent me into the habit of practicing and doing makeup on my friends on a daily basis, on myself (of course) and now that I am working at MAC, it's up to me to take what I have learnt from work and input it into my artistry. With the help of God, I will get to the place I want to be.

What do you want Dami? Be more vocal about your dreams: I want to become a professional makeup artist doing makeup on celebrities, clients, bridal makeup, Asian bridal makeup, beauty makeup and funny, I want to even get into more creativity makeup which is weird for me to say that being that I have no artistic background at all (guys I can't even hold the pencil the right way and my handwriting will give you a mental breakdown) but I believe that anything is possible in life and I am more than ready to put in that effort. My experience at Body Shop was the foundation of the knowledge I have now about makeup , as well as youtube, but I am ready to go to classes and involve myself in doing more freelance jobs or at least being a part of photo shoots to get experience.

I have only been studying makeup for one year, but I am so blessed and fortunate to have been given the opportunity to do makeup at Body Shop and now receive a job to work at MAC, and it really emphasises why I have to give it my all. This is what I want to do and I will master my craft.

Excitingly, I have also been associated with people from the freelance world that have invited me to be a part of their team. This is wonderful news to me and the beginning for me when it comes to doing freelance makeup. I was invited to their photo shoot which was so much fun and I was like a kid in the candy store literally just gushing and showing them my vibrant personality as well as closely paying attention to their artistry and their techniques. I'm such a learner when it comes to makeup. They were so nice and in a space of a few hours, I felt so close to them. When people do what you love and are just as passionate as you are, you build a connection with them because there is so much to discuss and talk about. The love they poured out was overwhelming and thats what got me so hyped up when Tina offered me to be a part of their team. I'm so happy.

Onto other news, my uni has finally been selected and everything is in place for me to start in a few days. Guess where I'm going. UCA!!!!!!! Why not? Fashion journalism is an amazing course to do and goes hand in hand with makeup as well because fashion and makeup are like cousins (or should I say siblings) and it's an interesting course. I was very confused when trying to change it, but thinking about it for months, I decided to keep the course as they have accepted me and I meet the requirements and plus its a course that flies around me. I love fashion and style, I like to believe I have a cute, preppy style, and through this course, I can learn about writing and fashion all in one. PERFECT.

I won't be moving to Epsom though because I know my dreams are here for me in London. There's no point. I'm only worried about commuting costs from here to Epsom which is gonna be skyrocketing high, but hey in life there is a cost to everything. Life is a challenge and you have to know how to deal with the hardship of life. That's what i have learnt.

Everything may seem as a dream come true and sound all rosy and like a nice fairytale, but there have been some dark moments in these few months, moments where I felt lost, moments where I didn't know from right or wrong, moments where I wanted to end my life, moments that pain me so much, I don't even want to backtrack to it. While I was in those moments, I definitely felt like everything was going downhill for me. I always believe that you should never give up on anything you are doing and that there is always a door out to everything. God has written my destiny, it's time for me to use my knowledge, skills and power to make it come to a reality. As long as you have that willpower, you will be fine and I told myself that every single day of my hardships and though it's all better as of right now (I'm currently relaxing in bed with a cup of tea eating biscuits), I'm in a financial mess and still living my daily struggle. All that will end very soon.

The good thing is that I have learnt. And I won't ever make the mistakes I made, but if I have to reiterate how wonderful and excellent the Lord is, i won't be ending this blogpost haha. With His power, I have managed to achieve a bit of my goals and conquer my fears in terms of makeup artistry. There is so much to go, this is just the beginning.

As much journey progresses, I will continue to update you all and let you know of what I am doing with my education and dreams. I don't know how often though being i have a little situation (no laptop) and that I am so consumed with my life personally and professionally, but from time to time, i'll be writing. Plus I LOVE IT ! Can we all take note as to why I chose journalism as my course to study? Haha.

Wish me all the best of luck. Peace & love. Damilola.

Update

Hi all! It's been a while since my last post and the time that I have been away has been so eventful for me consisting of college work, submissions, work and having a little bit of fun. Thank God I have a day off today (hence why I can blog hahahaha). I must say that I have been just doing me and focusing on my happiness which is what I want to maintain.

I have some plans coming up but one of my most exciting plans is to go to makeup school and I have started saving money for this. I really want to learn so much more when it comes to makeup. I feel like very soon, I want to start doing more work when it comes to the makeup artistry and for me to master it to my full capability is my goal and I know I have the potential to fulfill this. The courses are super expensive especially for a broke ass nigga like me (lmao) but everything is possible and with the power of God, it shall happen. I'm also super proud of myself for building so much connections in the art of makeup and I'm meeting people that are willing to get me to a place where I'm able to start freelancing. Though I'm very nervous to start doing freelance makeup, I'm brave enough to embark on the first steps. I second guess myself a lot of the times and just don't think I'm good enough like the girls I see on youtube, people I follow on instagram that do makeup and sometimes I feel like I am wasting my time because being a makeup artist is now a popular trend nowadays and everyone is doing it and I have this feeling like my talent will not be noticed(if that makes sense). Nevertheless, my heart is calling towards this and my dreams is to do makeup professionally and that's that.

I am also in great confusion about my university course. I have decided that I don't really want to go to UCA anymore because I don't want to move out of London and also because I don't think I'm interested in studying fashion journalism. It is a course that I would have fun doing but I just feel like doing a language course is something I'm more passionate in. I went to two open days at Westminster and actually liked the course they have with language. So i'm considering cancelling my application with UCA and applying to Westminster.

I am also focusing on my relationship with God and whilst analyzing everything that has occurred in my life, I give so much thanks to the almighty God for definitely protecting me and guiding me. Without Him, everything that I have achieved up till now will not be possible. For a 19 year old boy (turning 20 next month boooyah) to survive on his own in a fast pace city where everyone is ambitious chasing their dreams and aspirations can be a bit scary and difficult. But because God has been on my side, I am doing okay and will continue to prosper in everything that I set my hands on. Therefore, the least I can do is praise his name.

I went to a church near my workplace called Hillsong and fell in love with it. The church is very different from the past churches that I have been to and the main reason is because it is a mainly diverse church with a mixture of different cultures and races unlike the African churches that I am accustomed to. I used to be an avid church goer and went to church regularly on Sundays and bible studies as well. However, I was always very uncomfortable going to an African church because it is a mix of our mentality. Rather than focusing on the word of God, I felt judged by the pastor and my fellow church members because I was gay. Now I never was out to them, but I felt guilty sitting down in the same seats as them agreeing with them when they would preach that homosexuality is wrong. For I am gay male, I didn't feel good with myself. So I just stopped going.

However, I still have immense faith in God and though I may live a lifestyle against my belief, for me it is not an excuse not to worship God and I shall do so until the end of my life whether I'm judged or not. I am a good person and do good deeds everyday of my life and that is how I live my life. Hillsong is a place where everyone is different and we all focus on one thing - praising God.

My head is literally in 100 different areas and it's so hard to lose focus sometimes, but...I know that there is going to be a happy ending to my story.

LIPSTICKS

Since I've been studying and obsessing over makeup, I have always been obsessed with lips. I find that the lips are the significant part of the artistic segment of the canvas and also brings a very distinctive look. Many times when I see girls testing different lipsticks on, I see the transformation they indulge in by just changing the colour of the lips. They can go from the natural look to a dramatic look to an even subtle look to very bright, futuristic look and it all depends on the lips (and the eyes) as well.

Sadly for me, I don't have the confidence to apply lipstick at the moment, maybe things will change as I continue my studies with makeup and beauty, but not now. I wanted to make a list of some of my fave lip colours at the moment. It's spring now (well it is suppose to be) and now it's time to be rocking very nice bright colours and pinkish shades/neutral and opaque pinks. Despite the season, I find that any type of lipstick can be worn, it all just depends on the look you want to go for. I would hate for girls to use the season as an excuse for the reason they can't wear a lip colour. OH PLEASE!!!!!

1. Double Shot by MAC: Double Shot by MAC is a recent purchase I got for my best friends and it looked absolutely amazing on them. Double Shot is a neutral brown with a hint of rose and mauve. The texture of the lipstick is very nice and creamy which I love about lipsticks. I must say that this is wonderful for dark skin girls, the colour shows amazingly. It has an amplified finish. This type of shade is great to wear with bold eyes (smokey eye for example) because it doesn't add to much drama.

2. Media by MAC: LOVE LOVE LOVE this lipstick. Media by MAC is a very matte deep, dark red. On my friend, we tried it with a lipstain and it worked wonderfully...sadly I can't remember the lipstain we used, but it was a wonderful combination. I love this lipstick because I'm such a fan of bold lips. On lighter skin tones, this would just be amazing. But this colour actually suits anyone to be fair.

3. Stupid Love by Melt Cosmetics: Melt Cosmetics is a brand I've found out via instagram and literally I'm in love with their lipsticks because their colours are so unique and bright. Every shade I have ever fantasized about is existent in this brand. Why I love the lipsticks from Melt Cosmetics is because they don't lie when it comes to the colour. Many lipsticks may seem to be a certain colour and once you swash it onto your hands, it's an opposite shade. But with Melt Cosmetics, they are highly pigmented and just super bright giving you that dramatic colour you are in desire for. I have never used Stupid Love before, I've only seen it on makeup looks and admired the shade. So I did a bit of research about it & discovered that the texture of the lipstick is very dry which is a downfall, but the bright colour compensates for that anyways. Candy Yum Yum by MAC is a similar color.

4.Darling by Melt Cosmetics: Darling is such a sultry, peachy colour that it is so addicting to look at. I am completely obsessed with this lipstick.

5. Wet N Wild Cherry Bomb: Saw this lipstick on a tutorial by Jenny Jenkins (beautybyjj) and was obsessed with this colour. It's like a deep dark wine red and the colour has a lovely level of pigmentation. Wet N Wild have so many amazing lipsticks and I love it because they are more on the cheaper end.

6. Cyber by MAC: One of my all-time favourite lipsticks by MAC. This lipstick is just amazing and the colour suits all skin tones from light to dark. Of course they look different on each skin tone, but it leaves such a lovely finish and looks lovely regardless. I feel like deep purple colours/bold dark colours are such a struggle for girls to wear only because it gives such a transformation and can be very dramatic and take you out of your comfort zone a bit. Maybe because I'm different and not very shy of expressing myself, but I find that this is one of the lipsticks girls don't want to wear because it is very strong. Nevertheless, I swear that it can give such a dramatic taste to every look. I would combine it with neutral eye shadows only because this is a lipstick that gives so much attention specifically to the lips. Perfect shade for Autumn/Winter.

Lipsticks are just such an amazing ingredient to every makeup look and it is the most necessary and important following shadows. I also find that it isn't much effort needed in terms of application and also a certain level of confidence must be possessed in order to rock it fabulously.

RIP Daddy

It has been 7 years since my father left me all by myself in this world & even after 7 years, the fact that I no longer have my dad by me is something I am struggling to accept. I must express how much I miss my dad & I wish I was able to have spent so much more time with him before he set off from this world.

My life has been such a roller coaster and having to cope without no parents has been a challenge, though it has also been a growing experience. There are so many things I wish I could share with my mum and dad right now, I want them to know how I've changed, what I'm doing and I wish I could lean on their shoulders in some of the hardest parts of my life. The motivation in me keeps me strong and because I have set a goal for myself to make my parents proud just emphasizes my destiny and why I am alive. I know I make some stupid decisions and I live a lifestyle they will not be proud of, however I overwhelmingly cherish my parents so much and love them with all my heart.

Memories are such a valuable thing and in my mind, I continue to retract to the beautiful moments I shared with them. I still remember my dad clutching to his 6 mobile phones as if they were his kids. Friends would always say, "how are your children?" in reference to his phones. And don't get me started with my mother who was known for loving everything that had shimmer and glitter. Ahhh!!! I'm so blessed to have had the parents I had and though they were in my life for just a limited amount of time, I know that they are still with me in spirit and looking down on me pouring their blesses upon me and because of them surrounding me, I shall have the power to make all my dreams come true.

My message to everyone out there is to cherish your loved ones, look at them and tell them how much you love them. Spend every moment you are able to with them, maybe hang out in the city or eat out at a good restaurant or just sit at home and watch TV. Love is priceless. It doesn't cost anything but the audacity to make that effort to cherish your loved ones because there is no saying when they will just vanish from the earth - I can say from experience.

RIP Daddy and tomorrow is your birthday

.... and all I want you to know is how much I love you.

Frowning & Sighing

I am so stressed! Ugh. I feel like I am unable to focus on anything, in all honesty. All the daily troubles happening in my personal life is just breaking me apart. I should be a person who is strong and powerful and able to just battle anything, but these days I have been feeling weaker than ever. I guess I'm just tired of trying. I feel like I don't have bit of tolerance anymore for anything. It's to the point where I just want to stay in bed all day and never wake up. I don't want to feel this way, but I just do. I don't have it in me to try as hard as I used to only because I am unable to care about the things that are so important to me. I believe that is because of the challenges that has taken over me........................

So sad for me to say this, but I don't know. I don't want to continue to have this negative energy and my hope is that in a couple of days, I get over myself and strengthen myself (with the help of God) and be given the wisdom to make my dreams come true and the power to fight my daily struggles and challenges, for I am destined to make it in life and live my dreams.

See you guys soon

Dami xoxo

Progression

It's coming to a point in my life where I want to be able to move on with myself and stop clinging onto past relationships. Shamefully, I have relationships that come and go. It has become so tedious that I no longer have confidence in any of my relationships that I create. I just now label them as temporary; not permanent. Now, I try to find the cause as to why this always happens to me leaving me with no option but to point the finger at myself.

Sometimes, I feel like the way I am, my personality and my behavior makes it difficult to form long relationships with people, be it a love relationship or a friendship. I find myself to be a fabulous, positive, amazing human being. I believe that I am outgoing, funny, bubbly, helpful, kind and hard working which are wonderful attributes to have as a human being. Maybe I do have some negative traits as well, but I won't name them as I am working hard to be a better person and acknowledging my negative traits or stating them is unnecessary because it isn't in my focus. When it happens over and over again, one gets fed up and tired. I just don't have the energy to force a friendship to work anymore. :(

As a friend, you should be able to take my flaws and my errors and if not, then you shouldn't have me as a friend at all!! Despite all my internal problems and personal issues, I don't want that to hinder the strive I have to accomplish my dreams. I am forever a DREAMER and want to make it in life whether I get support or not. I am a FIGHTER and will fight every day of my life to make my dreams become a reality. I have this extreme passion burning inside of me, this extreme hunger starving inside of me.....I will make my dreams come true.

Overall, I know what I have to do.......and it is time to progress to heights that I have never thought of climbing up to. With friends or without friends, with family or without family, I have no choice but to make it.

Dami xxxxx